Juan Pablo is the WORST Bachelor

Juan Pablo is the ABSOLUTE WORST.

I would go so far as to suggest that he’s the worst bachelor in bachelor history. Even worse than Brad, who was the bachelor twice and still ended up alone. In his second season, he didn’t pick either woman. In retrospect that was probably for the best – if you are the bachelor twice and you still end up alone, there could be something wrong with you, or at the very least with the way you treat women.

This season has been painfully awkward. Initially I was amused, watching Juan Pablo struggle through basic conversations. By the third episode, however, I was tired of his excuses, mainly “English isn’t my first language”. I call bullshit. Juan Pablo has no difficulty seducing women, pulling out all the stops, to get in their pants, albeit with the help of the producers and the bachelor team.

The issue I have with Juan Pablo is that he uses his daughter to get out of things. To be clear, I am not saying he is a bad father nor am I questioning his parenting abilities. I simply have an issue with the excuse “ I have a daughter”. He didn’t worry about the ramifications when he was frolicking with “let me kiss you” Clare in the ocean after 2am (we all know nothing good happens after 2am). He wasn’t concerned about his daughter’s perception of him when he told Andi she was essentially his consolation prize. He wasn’t worried that people may tell his daughter that her father is a giant asshole. He did feign concern, however, when he didn’t want to kiss Renee or Cassandra. Ironically, he locked lips with both Sharleen and Clare in that particular episode.

What I don’t understand is why Juan Pablo went through all this trouble to sleep with a few women. I find it hard to believe that he was having a hard time finding consenting women in his home town. Due to the fact that he didn’t propose or profess his love to Nikki, I have reason to believe that he has no intention of getting married. I believe he used this experience to travel the world and seriously inflate his ego.

Thanks to the wonderful world of the internet, but mainly just thanks to twitter, it’s easy to find other Juan-Pablo-Haters. Some of the best tweets:

Screen Shot 2014-03-10 at 7.58.57 PM Screen Shot 2014-03-10 at 7.57.14 PM Screen Shot 2014-03-10 at 7.56.11 PM Screen Shot 2014-03-10 at 7.52.39 PM Screen Shot 2014-03-10 at 7.52.08 PM Screen Shot 2014-03-10 at 7.52.01 PM Screen Shot 2014-03-10 at 7.51.17 PM

Don’t worry Juan Pablo. “IS OK”. Maybe Dancing with the Stars will reach out in 10 years, for the has been has-beens season. XOXO, women everywhere

P.S Elle had some far better season endings in mind, check it out here !

Bachelor Confessions

I’ll admit I’m a pretty loyal fan of the Bachelor. It doesn’t matter who the bachelor is (unless Brad comes back, he sucks), I watch it every week and dissect each date and interaction with my mother. If I had a plethora of friends, I would have a viewing party, offering champagne, chocolate and long stem red roses. Nothing like a good cat fight, some ugly crying and a little bit of bitch-slapping to get your week started. THANK GOODNESS this show airs on Monday’s.

I will admit that the “contestants” just keep getting weirder and weirder. The internet has gone crazy discussing the professional dog lover – although this profession is strange, did you see the puppy she brought to the premier?

I want to know why we aren’t talking about the “Free Spirit” ?? She showed up with no shoes on… COME ON! Where are you finding these people? If I was Juan Pablo and someone showed up without shoes AND PUT HER FEET ON MY LAP, i would have sent her home immediately. No one likes feet, especially during an introduction – it’s best to keep those dirty things to yourself.

Chris Harrison, I know you can do better. Now that you are divorced I guarantee you have young attractive women up in your business ALL THE TIME. Let’s be honest, I would apply for the show just for the chance to meet you, and then, of course, become the best bachelorette of all time (Ali comes in as a close second). For a sneak peak of my bachelor application, check out my dating ad. 

The previews for this season are out of control. Can’t wait to see which “lucky lady” Juan Pablo ends up with. Here’s to hoping this ends as well as Trista and Ryan, or as I refer to them, the CBCOAT aka the cutest bachelorette couple of all time !

Words of Wisdom

Life Motto #1: Keep That Ego in Check [or you will be sad, lonely, friendless and potentially poor]

There will always be someone less intelligent, less funny or less attractive than you.

At the same time, there is always going to be someone smarter than you. Chances are there is someone 10 times smarter than you.

Be cautious of your soaring ego. If it soars too high, you’ll never catch up.

Just in case you don’t feel that I am a credible source for advice, check out the great Einstein [disclaimer: I have no way of knowing if he actually said this. Or if it is one of those wonderfully terrible internet concoctions]

ego einstein











Yours truly, Jenny

A Stroke of Genius

As it turns out, you don’t just get to wake up one morning and suddenly become an astronaut, a nail polish namer, a prime quidditch player or a famous boy-band fangirl. 

Recently, I’ve been thinking about my dream career and I have had a “Stroke of Genius” (full novel coming soon). Unfortunately, the rules and guidelines around these parts forbid me from sending my excellent life plan to The Travel Channel or Bravo for consideration. I even checked with MTV as a LAST RESORT, and they too were “too good” to hear from me. Apparently, you can’t share any of your ideas with people in the industry unless you have an agent or a manager. If you choose to send them your ideas anyway, they are allowed to steal you ideas without any repercussions. Clever, clever move on their part.  

For kicks and giggles, check out my compelling plea to The Travel Channel:

Dear Travel Channel Geniuses,

You need me. You need me to really get in touch with a potentially awesome, and much, much younger audience.

Two of my favorite travel shows happen to be created and presented by you. Anthony Bourdain is great. He crass, rude, and always knows where to get some good old alcohol. Andrew Zimmerman is jolly. He eats weird foods in the strangest of places. 

Both of these shows revolve are men. Not just men, but older men. One with a terrible drug fueled past, and another who reminds me of my uncle. He always has candy and plenty of bear hugs. For men and older women (and I guess myself) this is great. People love to watch, especially when Andrew eats some strange bug or animal part and is a great sport. I attribute this to the fact that it would be incredibly rude to tell these indigenous people that the food they create and cherish is terribly foul and disgusting, but I digress. 

I believe you need a younger, and relatively attractive female to really up the ante on your travel shows. If i may be so modest, I fit this part. I know i fit this part because I have created it for myself. It’s genius. 100% genius. 

Before I get carried away, I should introduce myself. My name is Jennifer Simpson. I am 22 years old and was born and raised in the wonderful part of the USA called Southern California.

I don’t have a boyfriend, in part because I am incredibly picky and because “ain’t nobody got time for that”. This is GREAT news for you – I have nothing to hold me back AND I can teach people the ways of single-girls from America. I am an avid Lakers fan, I have a soft spot for boy bands, old and new, and macarons are my favorite foods, as are cannolis. Please, treat me to these delicacies in their native countries, France and Italy. A single girl in France is practically begging for a TV show, hell, that story line writes itself. 

In order for this show to be successful, i need to find my niche. It’s quite simple really – Single girl eats her way across the world in search of the best food; snacks and desserts, maybe with a few specialty cocktails along the way. Ideally I would interview other young successful women, and of course, sexy foreign men on their quest to become the best of whatever profession they so choose. Since this will be on camera, you and my wonderful audience will be entertained by my array of facial express as well as my hilarious and eloquent way of talking. 

The upside of this plan is that this show doesn’t currently exist. Who better to travel the world in search of the best snacks than me? There is never a bad time to snack, be it in the morning, afternoon or the middle of the night. 

For your ultimate consideration,

Ms. Jennifer Simpson

I was planning on including this image to show how much I love to snack



Here’s to hoping the Travel Channel needs me. If not, there’s always Kickstarter. 

P.S Don’t forget to “LIKE” A Nenny Life on Facebook ! 

Of “All Hallow’s Eve” Past

In the Ventura County Star yesterday, I found the “US Halloween Sales Forecast”. SURPRISE! People spend a TON of money on costumes.

According to this article, an estimated 158 Million people will celebrate Halloween. These 158 million people will spend an estimated $2.08 Billion on candy, $1.96 billion on decorations, $1.04 billion on children’s costumers, $1.22 billion on adult costumes and $330 million on pet costumes. PetSmart has that on lock with so many cute costumes this year, from the typical but ever adorable pumpkin to a french maid costume – put that on your french bulldog.

Based on these figures, believe it or not, people are spending less on Halloween this year than in 2012 – adding up to approximately $20 million less. If you break it down per person, however, each person cuts their spending by $5 on average. Although that’s nothing to write home about, it is one more Coffee Bean friday, great job 2013.

In honor of October and these Halloween figures, I dug up some old photos of some GREAT halloween costumes in the Simpson household.

The Great Butterfly Princess and Tweetybird:

halloween 1

Scared of the rain Batman

halloween 1-2

Raggedy Ann

halloween 1-3

Do people still use this costume?

And my personal favorite, make sure to check out my bangs. Real confused with this one

halloween china

Do you have any great or classic costumes? Let me see them!!

Netflix versus Novel: Orange Is The New Black

Photo on 9-30-13 at 8.24 PM #3

I heard about Orange is the New Black through the grapevine and was immediately intrigued. Mother Simpson and I binge-watched the entire season over two weekends. This doesn’t sound like a lot, but there are 13 one hour episodes. Half-way through the first episode I was hooked. I had to know what happened to Piper Chapman and I desperately wanted to know who else was in prison and how they ended up there.

Naturally, Piper Chapman, the protagonist is in prison for an old crime and was not transported to prison by force. She does not have a history of violence and she looks like a typical “rich white girl”. I believe the producers wanted her to be the polar opposite to the type of people typically in prison. It is important to note that these inmates were not in a maximum-security prison. They were not convicted of murder and were not considered to be a danger to themselves or others, for the most part.

The season is full of flashbacks which give the audience some insight into their beloved characters. Some characters are lovable in a love to hate kind of way (i.e Pennsatucky and the prison guard with the porn-star mustache). Other characters, such as Poussey and Tasytey, are just plain lovable and the producers have done an excellent job at leaving you in the dark as to what crimes they have committed.

The show does an excellent job at playing with all of your emotions. There is romance, death, drugs, abuse, forbidden relationships, mean-girl cliques and moments of sheer joy. The atmosphere presented in the Netflix series shows that of a prison segregated by race or by sexual preference. These groups break down into different cliques, where you are often advised to stick to your own kind. Don’t follow the rules? You might be starved-out, you might not get your laundry washed or you might be violently confronted in the shower. It’s best to stay inside the lines, wear shower shoes, and don’t question anyone- the guards or the prisoners.

Following the grand finale, I was curious, intrigued even and I needed to know who the real Piper Chapman was. I needed to read Orange Is The New Black.

The author’s name is Piper Kerman. She did serve a year in prison for a 10-year-old drug-trafficking offense. Her time in prison, however, is incredibly misrepresented by the wonderful Netflix production.

The novel is written like a memoir, full of political undertones and weak suggestions. I understand that Kerman spent a year in prison and that our prison system needs to be adjusted. There are countless articles, studies and reports on the state of our prisons, the psychological effects on human beings who are held in solitary confinement and the list goes on. It is an issue that approximately 60% of inmates are re-incarcerated within 3 years following their release (FOX 43). It is common knowledge that the US prisons are past capacity. In California alone, Governor Jerry Brown recently requested more money from the federal government to help fund the influx of prisoners.

I am not an expert on prison life. I don’t have family in the system. I have never been inside a prison or a jail. I understand that I am relatively uninformed on the subject and the lifestyle during and after a prison sentence. While Kerman did serve time in prison and she does understand the inner workings, she is also not an expert. She served time for a 10 year old crime. She is also not part of the 60% of inmates that return to prison. I believe this is largely due to the fact that she was raised in an affluent area, she had a huge support system and she had a job and a life waiting for her on the outside. This type of support is not often found among other inmates.

The real issue I had with her book, was that she spent more time discussing the injustices of prison life and less time on her actual experience. Perhaps this is my fault, I read the book incorrectly assuming that we would hear what really happened to Piper Kerman and more about her characteristic inmates.

Ultimately, I feel that the book fell flat. There wasn’t much substance to her story past the political statements she made regarding prison life and the justice system. I do respect her decision to make such statements throughout the novel, although I don’t agree with the frequency of these comments. It would have been better organized and far more entertaining if she kept those types of statements to one particular chapter or section of the book, instead of peppering them throughout. At a certain point I didn’t want to keep reading, Kerman’s position had been made extremely clear and it was evident that the story wasn’t reaching any type of climax. But I kept reading. I had to know what happened when Piper ran into her ex-girlfriend (and I HATE not finishing books). Netflix had one side of the story, but was this at all similar to her encounter on the silver screen? Unfortunately, it was not. The encounters between the so called “star crossed lovers” in prison were anticlimactic.

While Kerman stood out from a majority of the other prisoners, she was not alone. A “welcome wagon” helped her get used to her surroundings. She had a huge support system on the outside; her fiancé had gone so far as to create a website dedicated to updating the public on Kerman’s stay in prison. She was not attacked and was never sent to the “SHU”. She did not have a lesbian affair with her old girlfriend and her fiancé did not leave her. What’s interesting is that she is a writer for the show, given credit for all 13 episodes. It is evident that she took the stories of her fellow inmates and embellished them for entertainment – I am very glad that she did, otherwise Orange is the New Black would not be the great success that it is.

Final Verdict: Netflix wins. Be ready, season 2 is expected in 2014.

As for the book, read this with low expectations; it is worth reading to understand Kerman, she is responsible for the show after all.

Did you read or watch OITNB? Let me know your thoughts in the comments.

Watch OITNB on Netflix

Find OITNB the book here

Want to learn more about Piper Kerman? Click here

FOX 43 prison statistics article

You Already Know: VEGAS, Labor Day Weekend


Rooftop view at The Cosmopolitan

Rooftop view at The Cosmopolitan

It’s hot. It’s colorful. It’s loud. It’s Ridiculous. It doesn’t fit in with the rest of Nevada and it has a great backstory.

If there is anywhere to feel insignificant, judged, accepted and king of the world all at the same time, its in VEGAS. One of the few places where it is acceptable to stay up all night, lose significant amounts of money, temporarily misplace your dignity AND then walk around like you just won the lottery within a 24 hour period.

Vegas defines the meaning of being a small fish in a big pond. Unless, of course, you are one of the original Mob Bosses, or a gambling high roller with a permanent pent house at the Bellagio. The best place to feel like a small fish? The Clubs. Especially the new clubs working on their exclusive street cred.

The worst offender? Hakkasan.

Hakkasan is, in two words, overrated and ironic. The billionaire, middle eastern backer of Hakkasan created this club under the assumption that it would be the biggest, baddest club in vegas. With over $100 million dollars of renovations and securing consistent performances with huge DJ’s, such as Avicii and Calvin Harris, Hakkasan generated some serious buzz. Due to the famous DJ’s and the appeal of a new, big club Hakkasan earned the right to be exclusive. Don’t expect to have a spot on their guest list unless you or a close friend spends close to $100k per year there. If you spend less than that, don’t expect any respect or special treatment – they don’t need you to make money.

Want to sit down and stay a while? I hope you won big in vegas – tables don’t come cheap. Rumor has it the clubs main clientele are filthy rich middle-aged men with plenty of cash and plenty of time. They spend the day gambling large and the night drinking and hanging out with beautiful women. Exclusive has a new meaning here: some of the club promoters have gone so far as to ask potential guests to send them pictures, just to make sure they meet the club’s new standards. WIll this last? Who knows. Some of the locals have begun to suggest that models and other good looking women take their business elsewhere, such as Marquee, XS or Light to experience a more friendly atmosphere.

Looking for the irony behind the extremely successful and exclusive club? The Middle-Eastern backer supported this club ONLY because he felt that he was wronged in Vegas when he wasn’t given the table he requested. This billionaire decided that he wanted to show the rival clubs a lesson. Has he succeeded? Only time will tell. For now, its hard enough to get in the door. Without some serious cash to spend, who knows if you will receive the respectful treatment the billionaire expected elsewhere.

PLEASE let me wear Sperry's instead of heels

PLEASE let me wear Sperry’s instead of heels

I spent Labor Day Weekend in VEGAS with some of my best friends and had an absolute blast. I won 90 cents on a slot machine, ate too many french fries, got a decent tan and did some serious window shopping.

I’m not really big on clubs, I’d rather spend my weekend going to shows (chippendales anyone?) and shopping at The Forum shops in Caesars Palace. I tried to see David Guetta on Sunday Night… Imagine my disappointment when i discovered he wasn’t going on stage until 2 AM! I heard the first half of one song before I left, I guess this grandma just can’t hang.

Did you spend the weekend in Vegas? Let me know how you feel about Hakkasan, vegas and the club scene in general in the comments !

Blast From the Past

Once upon a time, I was a child star – just like every other 8 year old in the greater LA area. Unlike these other “child stars” I was making it big – I mean I was an extra for an OPRAH movie AND a trading spaces episode, although my bedroom did not get a makeover. I had $300 in my pocket, making me the richest 6th grader by a long shot. Never mind the fact that I didn’t have a lot of friends, and and that I read a lot of books – Oprah’s crew thought i was pretty sweet.

I had an audition for Totino’s Pizza Rolls when they were first promoting them. Don’t believe the kids in the commercials, those things are FOUL. Not only are they filled with mystery meat (pepperoni?) but during the audition they served them cold. Not lukewarm, not room temperature, but COLD as in barely defrosted, just out of the freezer cold. Considering how much I love to eat, this wasn’t an enjoyable experience.

My personal favorite is the Febreeze audition circa 2004ish (spoiler alert: I got a Call back for this one!). If you’ve ever purchased Febreeze you know that it doesn’t smell quite like “Misty Meadows” or “Delightful Daisies”. The wonderful people in charge of casting this excellent commercial had me do a push up, pause, sniff the ground and then look back at the camera pretending that the floor smelt like roses and butterflies and beautiful things (you’ve all seen this commercial or some variation of it). I’m almost positive that the floor hadn’t been cleaned in months and I think I inhaled some serious dust bunnies. Side note: I haven’t purchased Febreeze since. No thank you, I’ll just vacuum.

My parents have been cleaning out different rooms in the house now that my brother moved out (cheers!) and have been finding all sorts of treasures. Much to my surprise my dad found quite a few copies of my head shots. Correction: He found a pretty large STACK of them. Due to the fact that I was really trying to make it big, I have multiple photos, each with a different expression (sorry for the poor quality – I had trouble with the scanner).

Here is serious, oscar winning Jenny:


Why so serious?

And here is the annoying younger sister Jenny, if i were to be the younger sister in some Brad Pitt/Leo Dicaprio/ Matt Damon movie. I could have played Matt Damon’s daughter. easily.


I needed two pictures for this one, Clearly

Have any great, awkward, hilarious or just plain embarrassing audition stories? Share them in the comments!

Through the Pensieve

elephant butterfly

I often wonder why real life isn’t more like the wonderful wizarding world of Harry Potter. It would be awesome if I could apparate to Mike’s Pastries in Boston for dessert in the middle of the week or to the coast of Israel for a mid-day swim. If the flick of my wrist would instruct the dishes to wash themselves or for my clothes to be folded and neatly put away.

Unfortunately, this type of magic does not currently exist.. at least not in my muggle world. Science, however, continues to make headlines – defying the basic laws of physics, and causing us to question what is real and what is magic. So many things that were once considered impossible are things we take for granted. Its incredible to think about how far we’ve come – even how far things have progressed in the past 20 years.

Looking through news emails at work, I stumbled across a very interesting article. Scientists at MIT’s Picower Institute for Learning and Memory and the Japanese Riken Brain Science Institute have discovered how to implant false memories into the brains of mice. This is insane and amazing all at the same time. If we can create false memories (a la Inception) perhaps there will be a way to eliminate bad memories or alter them in such a way that can help lessen stress, anxiety or maybe even post traumatic stress. I’m sure these types of solutions are a long way off, but its a nice thought to entertain.

If we can create false memories, who is there to say that we can’t capture great memories and keep them for later. Imagine being able to re-watch your wedding from another perspective : watching your home wedding video from the photographers point of view and then being able to actually relive those moments, your memory completely intact. You could re-live winning the Olympics should you be Michael Phelps or Missy Franklin. Even better, you could re-live some of your favorite dinners, desserts and experiences. Your first day of school, the last day of school, your first dumpy apartment, your first pet.

If I had a Pensieve you can bet that it would be gold and monogrammed. Hopefully, I would have a collection of my favorite memories, and maybe a few painful ones to remind me what life can be like. Until then, I’ll just have to keep writing things down until my brain can no longer keep up. From that point on I’ll read my life story while eating Nutella by the spoonful – no regrets.


Want to read more about the inception of false memories in mice?

Sitting in the Drivers Seat

IMG_2142Someone once told me that you choose your own career and you choose your path in life. At the end of the day it is 100% your responsibility to work towards becoming the person you want to be, both in your professional life and your personal life. Things may not always work out the way you envisioned them, but they work out the way they should. At the end of the day you get out of life what you put into it.

It should be common knowledge that life isn’t easy. If it was, you would never have to work for anything, you would never know the feeling of success or the feeling of failure. Anxiety, pain, struggle and despair would be emotions that can’t be explained, understood or quantified. Life isn’t easy: make the most of what you have.

Looking back on the past year, I’m very pleased with what I’ve accomplished. Although it felt like things really weren’t going my way after graduation (post-graduation depression) I am really happy where I am at.

Sunrise on Masada. TAKE ME BACK

Sunrise on Masada. TAKE ME BACK

I fell into an excellent job which has been a wonderful learning experience. I was lucky enough to spend a little over two weeks in Israel and I can’t wait to go back.

I discovered macaroons and have been taste testing them everywhere. I finally had my wisdom teeth pulled, and I made it to 21. My closet now contains business appropriate dresses and there is a slight possibility that I am be addicted to manicures. I think this is part of growing up.

I still can’t believe its been over a year since I graduated from college. So much has changed, but so many things are still the same. Thankfully, I haven’t over-stayed my welcome at my parents house – they really are the best “roommates” since they keep the fridge and pantry stocked and I usually come home to a fresh cooked meal. Does it get better than this? Here’s to this year being bigger and better than the last.