Welcome To The Real World

It’s about time I found a big girl job. I am now officially working full time 8-5 monday through friday. I can’t believe its almost been a year since I graduated. I still have no idea what I’ve been doing and still have no idea where I’m going to be – I don’t know what I’m doing tomorrow, let alone where I’ll be next year.

In the time since I’ve graduated I’ve had plenty of experience with bad interviews. Instead of the usual “helpful hints to wow your interviewer” I thought I would share with you what NOT to do – I find these guides to be far more helpful. At the very least, you’ll be amused

Smile. A Lot. Smile so much that you look like Sheldon Cooper

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Wear Minimal Clothing and hope that your interviewer is an older woman. She will judge you. Beware of the perverted older man he might decide to hire you based on the sole fact that you look like one of the strippers he checks out every Tuesday at dollar night

Questions for the interviewer: Never come prepared. When they ask if you have any questions shrug your shoulders or mumble something along the lines of “what is the job title again?”

Goal: It is best if you do not know your Long Term Career Goal. The best way to respond to this question is- “I haven’t really figure that out yet. I’m still young. I have time to figure it out. Really I just want a job. Do you think I’ll get this one?” Prepare yourself for a generic head nod and the “We’ll call you” response. Don’t worry- you won’t get a phone call

Stare at the ground. Interviewers love it when you look them in the eye and appear engaged in the conversation. Don’t give them that satisfaction. Stare at the ground and nod your head methodically every 30 seconds or so for good measure.

Makeup: Always wear the newest fads in makeup. This includes neon lipstick and one of the MAC collection eye shadows. (this is not applicable for jobs in fashion- its always good to be outside of the box)

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CHEW GUM. Making sure you are popping your gum the entire time- this works best if you chew like a cow.

Leave your CELLPHONE on. Make sure you have alarms set for the middle of your interview. Even better, take a phone call during your interview- You definitely won’t get the job.

Leaving the interview: Don’t’ say thank you. Don’t shake the interviewers hand. Run out of there so fast that the interviewer is confused by your absence. Interviewers hate being confused.

I guarantee you will not get a call back and you will not be asked in for a second interview.

2 comments

  1. mikaeldtan · May 2, 2013

    Another thing that you want to avoid: Not Practicing or Studying. You’ll look like a dang fool when you’re asked about one of key functions of the position you’re interviewing for and you have no idea how to respond.

    • jsimpson112013 · May 2, 2013

      haha I forgot about that one ! Definitely should have been on the list.

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